Breath of Fresh Air - Acts 20:24

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. 

Acts 20:24 (ESV)

I wear a bracelet around my wrist given to me by the leadership of IGNITE that reads, "Press On - Acts 20:24." It's supposed to be a reminder of what our purpose is when we are out in the field and things get tough. I'm grateful to wear this reminder around my wrist.

But these bracelets mean more to me than even that.

My bracelet symbolizes to me that the IGNITE leadership knows it's not "if" the field gets tough, but "when." Each location has it's own set of pros and cons and each location has it's own set of challenges. Yes, we may have beautiful sandy beaches, pools, and surfing, but it's not all fun and games here in Costa Rica.

One particular challenge we have is a two month break from Kids Club during January and February. The kids are out of school for their "summer" break so we do not provide an after school program because many of them are out of town visiting family. This leaves us interns with two options. One, sit around and wait for February to come, or, make the best of the time that God has given us here.

I'm repentant at the fact that I have not made the best of my time over the past four weeks. I have become inwardly focused, full of anxiety, and depressed. I have grown comfortable laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling and wondering why God brought me here. I have all but given up on learning Spanish. I stare at a countdown on my phone hoping that the days will somehow go faster.

But folks, God gave me GRACE. Very undeserved GRACE. Not that I ever deserve it. 

In the mist of my horrible selfish attitude, God woke me up in the kindest way possible. This Tuesday, a new overseer came to lead the Costa Rica interns, Cassandra Tartter. She just finished serving as an intern herself right before Whitney and I got here. Yesterday, she shared with us many of the struggles she faced, how she overcame them, what she learned, and how God impacted the program through her during her six months here.

Her story reminded me that the bracelet I wear has a very important message behind it.

This trip is not about me.
I'm here to share the Gospel and Christ's love.
I'm supposed to finish the course.

I wish I wouldn't have strayed from my purpose here over those four weeks but I'm grateful for the lessons I was able to learn and relearn. First, being inwardly focused always detracts from what God is doing and it robs me of my joy in him. As easy as it is to be negative, pessimistic, and feel bad for myself, it's only provides a quick high. Second, it's not wrong to seek godly advice from those who have gone through similar situations. God can use these people in your life and there are plenty of past Potter's Field interns who know what it is like to be in Costa Rica. Finally, even though I felt like there were four weeks of pointlessness, it was my job to press on through it just as well. Pressing on isn't for "if" but for "when." 

Better Is One Day - Psalm 84:10

For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. 

Psalm 84:10 (ESV)

The past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me. I have missed home more than I ever have. We have had a lot of down time with it being the holiday season which has lead to a lot of time to sit around and think. While this time could be used constructively and fruitfully by praying, reading my bible, listening to sermons, etc, it has been very easy to get caught up in thinking about home and my future outside of the Potter's Field program instead. Every day it gets a little hotter here and a little more difficult to bear. Between my mental, physical, and spiritual state, I feel like I am in a desert.
Through this season that I'm in right now, God has given me a verse to hold onto: "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness." This reminds me that I could have stayed home and went to grad school or got a job instead of coming to IGNITE, but that wouldn't have been following God's will for my life. I wouldn't have met the amazing people I have come to know and I wouldn't  have had to opportunity to grow my relationship with Jesus in ways I never knew were possible. Each day I am here, no matter what I think I am missing back home, my life belongs to the Lord and he wants me here. In that, is a daily replenishment of joy, peace, and contentment that can't be found anywhere else.
If you are going through a hard time, if you are in a place you never thought you would find yourself, if you feel like you have no control of the next thing that will happen in your life, remember that a day in the courts of Lord is better than anything you could dream of yourself. Things may seem hopeless, pointless, and maybe even ridiculous, but PRESS ON because you don't know how God might be using your circumstances to protect you, teach you, guide you, and grow you. For wouldn't we rather be doorkeepers in the house of God than dwell in the tents of wickedness?

I'm Naked & Exposed - Genesis 3:9-11

But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 

Genesis 3:9-11 (ESV)

As some of you may have noticed, I post a blog weekly about what I am learning on my journey here. Blogging is a part of our homework in the Potter's Field program. We are expected to journal on a bible verse that has spoken to us in our daily devotions or through something that really impacted us in our time here. Generally, I really enjoy blogging. I like to reflect on what God has been doing in my life throughout my time here and share it with those who want to read it. It's always my prayer that what I am going through and what God is showing me can encourage others around me.
But this morning was different. This morning I felt naked and exposed from all of my past blog posts. I felt like I have shared a lot of difficult and personal things lately. I was troubled with thoughts of what people who are reading my blogs think. Are they theologically sound? Do they sound self-righteous? Does my writing make sense? Do people think I'm crazy? I have been staring at a blank screen for an hour with no idea what to write about. Honestly, I didn't even want to go to God in prayer about it because I felt so defeated. I wanted to skip this week. The enemy had me cornered and I was listening to every word he was saying.
Thankfully, I have a loving Father that came to my rescue even though I didn't ask for it. He reminded me of the Fall in the Garden when Adam and Eve realized they were naked for the first time. After reading and meditating on this verse, I understood why he brought this to my mind. . . I am a sinner and I am naked and exposed just like Adam and Eve were. When I write these blogs my sin is out there for everyone to see. You can see my pride, my selfishness, my insecurities, etc. BUT DESPITE THIS, GOD STILL COMES LOOKING FOR ME. He knows I am in a huddled mess at my breakfast table embarrassed and exposed by my sin but he still comes and tells me:

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God freely and graciously declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 

Romans 3:22-24 (NLT)

Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Romans 8:33-34 (NLT)

I'm a sinner. You can see that without reading my blogs. Sometimes it is hard and embarrassing to admit. Sometimes it's difficult to be frank and honest about it. Sometimes I want to hide just like Adam and Eve did. But God calls us to share our sins with others so they can pray for us so I will keep writing. My sin is repulsive to God BUT he sent his only son, Jesus Christ to cover it and make me white as snow. He hides his face from my sins, and blots out all my iniquities (Psalm 51:9). I'm writing this morning to remind myself of this. . .and you too if you need it. 

A Lesson of Grace - Titus 3:3

"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another."

 Titus 3:3 (ESV)

For years I have been known as the girl who likes to have things "a certain way." I want things to be cleaned a certain way, I want people to act a certain way, I want my whole life to be certain way. If something doesn't fit into this "box" I have created, it gets thrown out or my opinion is loudly communicated through words or actions. Not surprisingly, this has ultimately caused barriers to be formed between myself and other people. The biggest of all the barriers created being between me and my dear sister. For years my family has brought this behavior to my attention and cautioned me against the damage it was doing to the relationships in my life. Despite the warnings, I always chalked it up to being my personality and if people didn't agree with me then they were just wrong. Whenever my dad confronted me on this matter he always explained that I had a judgmental attitude. This never sat well with me. In my mind, people who are judgmental are rude, they share their opinion too much, they think everyone is wrong, and they are usually hypocritical. This was definitely not me. . .or so I thought.
About a month ago I began a study on the Book of Titus and never expected what God was about to do. As I read through chapter three I was awakened - finally - to how biblically wrong it is to have the attitude I do about the people around me. I realized just how much my "box" ruins the testimony I have to what Jesus Christ has done in my life. But God didn't stop there. For the rest of the coming weeks I became very sensitive to the comments and thoughts I had about the people around me. I became very sensitive about the comments others made about people around them. He showed me how very ugly these thoughts and comments are and how ugly they made me.

He showed me that when I go back behind my coworker and reclean what she just cleaned, I am telling her through my actions that what she did wasn't good enough. And I am.

He showed me that when I make a judgmental comment about the way someone parents their children, I'm thinking they aren't good enough. And I am.

He showed me that when I try and take over a group project at school or work because "I can do it better," I'm thinking and showing that they aren't good enough. And I am.

He showed me that when I roll my eyes at the lady at the gym with skimpy clothes on that she isn't good enough. And I am.

He showed me that when I scoff at something my sister decides to do, I'm telling her that she's not good enough. And I am. . .

The terrible part about all this is that I used to think having these thoughts made me a good person because it showed I knew better: I knew how to clean things better. I knew how to parent better. I knew how to do projects the right way. I knew how to dress modestly. I knew how to make correct decisions.
But how wrong I was. What it actually showed was that I didn't understand grace. I didn't understand that when people look at my life, they are sure to find things that they could do better than me. God freely gives grace to the believer who might not clean something as thoroughly as I do just like he gives it to me, the believer who chose to judge that person. It's not my job to withhold grace from the people around me, for:

I myself was once foolish, disobedient, led astray, a slave to various passions and pleasures, passing my days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating others

and I am now saved by something I could never alone do. 

Lord, thank you for this lesson. Thank you for showing me how truly awful and ugly it is to withhold grace from others and to judge what I think are mistakes or sins. Please forgive me for acting this way and please let others who I have treated this way forgive me. . .especially my sister. Please help me to show love to all people so that those who do not know you can be saved from foolishness, disobedience, envy, hate, and so on. Thank you for the grace that saved me. Amen. 

Our God is Greater - Deuteronomy 20:1

“When you go out to war against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and an army larger than your own, you shall not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God is with you, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt."

Deuteronomy 20:1 (ESV)

"Our God is greater." I have said it, I have sang it, I have prayed it, but I have never understood it like I have in the past two weeks. The last month and a half has been really difficult for me. I have been challenged in ways I never anticipated and experienced things training could never prepare me for. I felt like there was a huge army before me just like the one Moses described to the Israelites. Each armored man was a different struggle, problem, or difficulty. They were charging toward me and coming fast. I knew something had to change or I wasn't going to make it.
Two Wednesday's ago durning midweek service God reached down His mighty hand to save me from myself. He showed me that many of my struggles lately have been the result of allowing my mind wander. Seemingly harmless memories, hopes, or thoughts easily snowball into fit of bitterness, sadness, or discouragement. I suddenly knew that the only way to stop this kind of downward spiral was to take my thoughts captive and remind myself that my God is greater.

He's greater than the silly little things and the real life scary things.
He's greater on the good days and on the bad days.
He's greater when I get my way and when I don't.
He's greater where I am and where you are.
Our God is greater.  

This week I challenge you, when you feel like. . .

you can't.
it's too hard.
it's not fair.
it's too much.
it doesn't make sense.

Remember . . . OUR GOD IS GREATER! Feel the peace and freedom in that.

A Fragrant Offering - Philippians 4:18

I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. 

Philippians 4:18 (ESV)

I remember back when I was finishing up my final year of college and preparing to start IGNITE. I'd drive through the streets of Pocatello, windows down, and K LOVE blaring over the radio. Certain songs would come on that would pump me up so much! I just couldn't wait to start the program so I could "really" go serve God. Back then, I felt like going out into the field was the ultimate Christian experience. I knew it was what God was calling me to do and I just wanted to get to it. Now that I have been through training and have completed about a month of my field time God has taught me three things about this "Christian experience" I was so eager to have.
First, 90% of the time life as a missionary is not the pretty picture I had in my head of me wearing my Potter's Field Ministries t-shirt with kids swarming around me with laughter and smiles. Actually, 90% of the time I'm asking God to show me what supposed to be learning in the present difficult moment. These moments come in all forms: mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. Some days it takes all I have not to ask Him where the escape hatch is.
That being said, the second thing I have learned is that prayer as a missionary and for missionaries is vital. If it weren't for prayer, it would be so easy for me to be consumed and defeated by the hard stuff. I'm learning a lot from Psalms and how David cried out to God with his struggles: "I rise before dawn and cry for help; I hope in your words. My eyes are awake before the watches of the night, that I may mediate on your promise (Psalm 119:147,148). Rising before dawn or taking an hour to pray during the night are things that I have never done before but here, they are a must. Also as I said, your prayers are vital. Many of you tell me that you pray for me and I cannot thank you enough for that. Paul tells us that we need to, "stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere" (Ephesians 6:18). So please keep praying. Please pray for my teammates. Please pray for Troy. Please pray for all missionaries all over the world. We need it and we appreciate it!
Finally, the last thing I have learned is that I want my time here to be a "fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God." Yes, there are hard times. But I am so grateful for them because the moment they happen, am humbled with the opportunity to lift my hands to the Lord presenting it as an offering to Him. Have my Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family, God. Have this desire for a husband, Lord. Have my future, Jesus. I know in his time he will work all these things out for good. But for now, I have the blessing of dedicating 10 months to God and my prayer is that I carry it out in a way that is pleasing and acceptable to him.  

Breakdown 101 - Genesis 3:3-5

 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 

Genesis 3:3-5 (ESV)

This morning we woke up to a new surprise: termites. We found them eating away at the cabinet we keep our food in. They even decided to divulge in the cookie mixes I brought from home to make around Christmastime. Normally, this is a type of situation that I could handle and find a solution to without too much drama. But...this morning my flesh reared it's ugly head and the enemy was quick to find a foothold amongst my breakdown. My mind began spinning with lies about how my presence here is pointless, I'd be better off at home, and that I should have never agreed to come into this program. Seriously? Just one little problem was able to dismantle my whole morning?
Luckily, my amazing teammate was able to sense my turmoil and pull me on my knees in prayer before I totally lost it but the whole situation really taught me something. Much like what happened to Adam and Eve in Genesis 3, when I let sin enter, I am easily tempted to beleive that God's plan is not what's best for me. I begin to almost revel in the lies that Satan feeds me instead of going straight to prayer or the promises of the Word.
Through mornings like today, I'm learning that going to God is necessary to do even if I'm frustrated with him or I don't understand what he is doing. Adam and Eve could have paused and asked God about the tree but instead they were quickly tempeted by the serpant. He wants me to come to him when I don't understand. He doesn't mind if I'm crying and upset. I don't have to be perfect before him and I couldn't be more grateful for that.