Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
Philippians 3:8 (ESV)
Philippians 3:8. A verse that never fails to convict me. Especially since coming here to Guatemala. Boarding a plane to a foreign country with only a suitcase and a carry on, it sure felt like I was "losing" a lot. I was losing a comfortable bed that didn't hurt my back. Christmas with my family. Months of time that could be used furthering my education or earning a salary. It was intimidating even though I knew it was what God wanted for me. Once I was here, I forgot about the more trivial things, but I feel like I am suffering a different kind of loss now. A loss of control. This is even more painful and scary than what I thought I was losing before.
This is a peculiar loss that I am still learning from. It came with the realization that God is sovereign over everything. Everything. I can't prevent my family from getting in an accident back home. I can't force my friends not to forget about me. And I can't make a man love me forever. All of these things are in God's hands. And this week, I finally came to the realization that this is exactly where I want them. Over the past nine weeks, I have been wearing myself out trying to keep these kind of things in my control. Thankfully, God brought me to a sweetly broken place that made me realize they never were. My hands have been snatching and coming up with nothing my whole life. Nothing that has ever happened to me, nothing I ever achieved, and nothing that ever broke my heart, failed to pass God's desk before it happened.
I am so incredibly thankful that God brought me gently to my knees this week concerning this area of my life. I feel like I can now let go of so many burdens, anxieties, and fears that have been chaining me down, not only here, but my whole life. I know I will now be able to enter into my field time with God's strength instead of relying only on my own. Thank you Jesus for this sweetly broken, holy surrender.
Oh Cassie.....the way you've written the deepest crevices of your heart really spoke to me. I've been in a similar struggle regarding the need to control everything in my life, the safety of my family members, Steven and my mom, trying to be in control of their every move so they were safe, my Aunt and her progress at the nursing home, balancing wa job, a home, two little old ladies, a love for photography that has nearly gone by the wayside for lack of time....then one day a Chaplin in a Oregon said four very impacting words to me..."Let go, let God"...such impact in a very small package. It's a journey but I'm so proud of you for figuring this out at your age. I love you and miss you! Sheila
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